Monday, October 18, 2004
Rant of the Day:-
This is a reccuring one which occured to me as Shoogie and I drove passed a cliff (there is always a link in my bizarre mind tangent of a brain).
Why did everyone get so upset about Cliff Richard's Millenium Prayer getting to number one in the charts? Alright, fair play, it was total shite, and went on about God and stuff, but no-one complained when George Harrison was banging on about Harry Krishna (?!), and George Michael, who described the song as 'repellant and repugnant' is well known for (possibly misunderstanding the basic meaning) 'relieving' himself in front of strangers in public lavatories. The song was bad, but not as bad as that!
Song Lyric of the Day:-
Who? I said
You! she said
Me? I said
Yes! she said
Don't mess me around
Literary Quote of the Day:- (new feature)
All day the wind had screamed and the rain had beaten against the windows, so that even here, in the heart of great, hand-made London, we were forced to recognise the presence of those great elemental forces which shriek at mankind through the bars of his civilization, like untamed beasts in a cage.
(Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - Sherlock Holmes, The Five Orange Pips).
Gibber of the Day:-
The Kiwi Diaries - Part One. The flight, first night and the lure of the Glow Wormy caves.
The Flight.
You may not wish to read about the flight, basically long and dull, with sporadic booze and Harry Potter. But Just in case, here is an non-technical summary -
1) Gatwick airport. Sam and Jonathan escort me to t'airport and make sure that I check in on the correct flight. I am more that a touch nervous and hugely convinced that something will go wrong and that the subsequent explosion will leave my semi-digested Sundy lunch spread over a wide section of Kent.
2) On flight with aging rockers who talk loudly of 'The Gig' that they are due to be playing in 'Brizzy'. The least kind part of me repeatedly thinks to itself that if they were any bloddy good they'd be in first class not sitting next to me and disturbing my rest. Put headphones on and watch Harry Potter (for the first time, only 3 times more to go, broken up by watching spiderman 3 times).
3) Dubai. I have to admit I was dubious about Dubai, but it was OK. The elephants foot toilet or 'squatter' was not sufficient to scare the crap out of me, so I happily elected to use the disabled sit down. Go for a quick pint of suprisingly good guiness, although I suspect it cost me 6 quid. Spoke to a very nice fella from the Phillipines, and avoided noisy drunken Aussies, (could have been any pub in Earls Court or Shepherds Bush).
4) Singapore. Once more avoided the 'squatter' and went for a couple of beers in the ridiculously humid 'Pool Bar' on the airport roof. Beer good. Dropped my box of valaubles after being frisked by airport security, petrified of 10 years in a grim prison. Everyone very nice though.
5) Brisbane. Find proper toilet, and have a VB (thats a beer for those not in the know) and wait for me delayed flight
6) Land at Auckland, get through immigration with suprising speed to be met by the Shoogie. Bless him, he asks how I am, and I said a bit tired to which he replied ' I know its a nightmare, I would have punched anyone who said its a small world isnt it when I landed'. See 'Bertie' the van, what a champ of a machine.
Tuesday - Auckland
Spent the first night in Auckland with the wee Shoogster. We had a few beers in The Cavalier, nice pub, served cider to, lots of good solid colonial pictures all over the place. Had a Kangaroo steak for me tea. Also went to the All Nations pub where they had an open mike night, and met a fella who looked like a South African Peter Stringfellow. Shared a dorm with a the Canadanian snoozy poet, and a couple of French fellas.
Wednesday - Auckland to Waitomo
Went to the caves. This was very cool, abseiled down into the cave, slid down the 'flying fox', and then sat in a large inflatable inner-tube (mine was a tractor tyre) as we floated through the glow-wormy caves (petrified of having arse bitten by eels). We then climbed up a waterfall to emerge once more under the sky. One of our companions in this adventure was a yank chap called Brian who worked in a 'Womens Correctional Facility' - this gave us many hours of fun jokes about 'penal servitude'.
That night we did some tunes in our room, then went out to the Waitomo Tavern, a very friendly place, where I apparently won the Kareoke, and we got very drunk with the guides from the caves. Gibbered loads about rugby, and we beat a couple of fellas at pool. We were joined by a couple of the girls that were in our caving group one of whom annoyed Tom to the extent that he lent across to me and said 'Shoogs, I can't be doing with this self-agrandising hoower no more, I'm off back to the room'. A wise move. We were followed by a drunken young yank who we managed to eject from the room with a minimum of fuss. Then passed out.
Got to go now, hope all is well with all
Love and hugs
Dan
This is a reccuring one which occured to me as Shoogie and I drove passed a cliff (there is always a link in my bizarre mind tangent of a brain).
Why did everyone get so upset about Cliff Richard's Millenium Prayer getting to number one in the charts? Alright, fair play, it was total shite, and went on about God and stuff, but no-one complained when George Harrison was banging on about Harry Krishna (?!), and George Michael, who described the song as 'repellant and repugnant' is well known for (possibly misunderstanding the basic meaning) 'relieving' himself in front of strangers in public lavatories. The song was bad, but not as bad as that!
Song Lyric of the Day:-
Who? I said
You! she said
Me? I said
Yes! she said
Don't mess me around
Literary Quote of the Day:- (new feature)
All day the wind had screamed and the rain had beaten against the windows, so that even here, in the heart of great, hand-made London, we were forced to recognise the presence of those great elemental forces which shriek at mankind through the bars of his civilization, like untamed beasts in a cage.
(Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - Sherlock Holmes, The Five Orange Pips).
Gibber of the Day:-
The Kiwi Diaries - Part One. The flight, first night and the lure of the Glow Wormy caves.
The Flight.
You may not wish to read about the flight, basically long and dull, with sporadic booze and Harry Potter. But Just in case, here is an non-technical summary -
1) Gatwick airport. Sam and Jonathan escort me to t'airport and make sure that I check in on the correct flight. I am more that a touch nervous and hugely convinced that something will go wrong and that the subsequent explosion will leave my semi-digested Sundy lunch spread over a wide section of Kent.
2) On flight with aging rockers who talk loudly of 'The Gig' that they are due to be playing in 'Brizzy'. The least kind part of me repeatedly thinks to itself that if they were any bloddy good they'd be in first class not sitting next to me and disturbing my rest. Put headphones on and watch Harry Potter (for the first time, only 3 times more to go, broken up by watching spiderman 3 times).
3) Dubai. I have to admit I was dubious about Dubai, but it was OK. The elephants foot toilet or 'squatter' was not sufficient to scare the crap out of me, so I happily elected to use the disabled sit down. Go for a quick pint of suprisingly good guiness, although I suspect it cost me 6 quid. Spoke to a very nice fella from the Phillipines, and avoided noisy drunken Aussies, (could have been any pub in Earls Court or Shepherds Bush).
4) Singapore. Once more avoided the 'squatter' and went for a couple of beers in the ridiculously humid 'Pool Bar' on the airport roof. Beer good. Dropped my box of valaubles after being frisked by airport security, petrified of 10 years in a grim prison. Everyone very nice though.
5) Brisbane. Find proper toilet, and have a VB (thats a beer for those not in the know) and wait for me delayed flight
6) Land at Auckland, get through immigration with suprising speed to be met by the Shoogie. Bless him, he asks how I am, and I said a bit tired to which he replied ' I know its a nightmare, I would have punched anyone who said its a small world isnt it when I landed'. See 'Bertie' the van, what a champ of a machine.
Tuesday - Auckland
Spent the first night in Auckland with the wee Shoogster. We had a few beers in The Cavalier, nice pub, served cider to, lots of good solid colonial pictures all over the place. Had a Kangaroo steak for me tea. Also went to the All Nations pub where they had an open mike night, and met a fella who looked like a South African Peter Stringfellow. Shared a dorm with a the Canadanian snoozy poet, and a couple of French fellas.
Wednesday - Auckland to Waitomo
Tom drives Bertie to Waitomo caves stopping on the way for booze supplies and dinner in the Thirsty Weta, a nice pub in a place called something like Otorahanga. Tom makes his (what has become known as) Joke of the day - we were discussing Elton John having a hissy fit at an airport in Hong Kong, or somewhere, cos they wanted to search his bag, and Tom said 'perhaps he was worried that they might find a false bottom'. Genius. Ended up at Juno Lodge near the caves, and watched some truly aweful kiwi TV.
Thursday - Waitomo Caves
We had breakfast in Otorahanga (including sausages that tasted like deep fried kebab meat - not neccessarily a bad thing). On our way there Shoogie nearly crashed the van skidding to the side of the road with a cry of 'COOL' he had seen a large plastic apple by the roadside and insisted on having a picture. Anyone not fully cognizant with the wee fella's fixation with large plastic fruit, be warned the boy is a freak. Although I have to say, as scaled up plastic fruit and veg goes, it was pretty cool, about 20 feet high, with a viewing platform at the top which looked out onto the road.Went to the caves. This was very cool, abseiled down into the cave, slid down the 'flying fox', and then sat in a large inflatable inner-tube (mine was a tractor tyre) as we floated through the glow-wormy caves (petrified of having arse bitten by eels). We then climbed up a waterfall to emerge once more under the sky. One of our companions in this adventure was a yank chap called Brian who worked in a 'Womens Correctional Facility' - this gave us many hours of fun jokes about 'penal servitude'.
That night we did some tunes in our room, then went out to the Waitomo Tavern, a very friendly place, where I apparently won the Kareoke, and we got very drunk with the guides from the caves. Gibbered loads about rugby, and we beat a couple of fellas at pool. We were joined by a couple of the girls that were in our caving group one of whom annoyed Tom to the extent that he lent across to me and said 'Shoogs, I can't be doing with this self-agrandising hoower no more, I'm off back to the room'. A wise move. We were followed by a drunken young yank who we managed to eject from the room with a minimum of fuss. Then passed out.
Got to go now, hope all is well with all
Love and hugs
Dan
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Arriving Soon - The Kiwi Diaries
Just got to have a couple of beers, then I'll be there.
Love and hugs
Dan
Just got to have a couple of beers, then I'll be there.
Love and hugs
Dan
Thursday, October 07, 2004
Rant of the Day:-
Gout and its wearying effect on one mans busy day.
Song Lyric of the Day:-
I wish I never
Woke up this morning
Life was easy
When it was boring
Gibber of the Day:-
Here are some great gameshow ideas - (in conjunction with Gaj, Andy and Rob. Its been a slow day at work for us all!)
I'm Cream Crackered!
think of tv programme ideas with amusing titles till you die!
WOULD YOU ADAM AND EVE IT
Naked contestants in the garden of eden playing soft ball with a snake and an apple
BELIEVE IT OR GOTH.
Ten Goths [those rude uncivilised, violent chappies, who were members of the ancient Teutonic race that dwelt between the Elbe and the Vistula in the early part of the Christian era, and overran, and took an important part in subverting, the Roman empire] line up against ten Goths [those stereotypical soft, white middle class ponces who (in the belief that they are individual) all wear black clothes, heavy make up and silver jewellery, dye their hair black, are permanently depressed and believe they are defined by Nihilism]. Uri Geller hosts asking us all to 'believe' that one group or the other will win through the power of collective thought.
DEWITCHED
Make loads of modern day white witches try and do magic on TV and then laugh at them
THEY THOUGHT IT WAS ALL OVER
Another series of last of the Summer Wine - from beyond the grave
ANTIQUES WOADSHOW
Members of the public bring their heirlooms to be assessed by our experts who are painted blue
BOTH FEET IN THE GRAVE
Televised funerals
MUTTON BOON
The late Michael Elphick cooks up sheep-based dishes on his motorbike,
POBOL Y CWM
A soap opera lasting 30 years that no-one understands cos its no in English
EASTENDERS
A soap opera lasting 30 years that no-one understands cos its no in English
CrossRhodes
take celebrity chef Gary Rhodes to a shite motel in the midlands and make him very, very angry.
PRESCOTT AND THE WHEELIES
John prescott driving round the country in one of his Jags punching people with mullets
MR BEN
Take tony Ben round the tailors of england and make him debate politics while changing in the cubicle. To be hosted by a dodgy looking bloke in a fez.
MR BENT
Same concept as Mr Ben but replacing Tony Ben with Graham Norton
The Blair Witch Project.
A broom handle is shoved up Cherie's arse to see if she is, in fact, a witch.
DY-NASTY
gory recreation of the high speed smash in a parisian tunnel that led to the tragic loss of the 'queen of our hearts' TM
TAKE HEART
That scary gadgey off Temple of Doom acosts members of the public in the street and removes their hearts
MOON - LIGHTING
A group of contestants eat 3 tins of baked beans, bend over and have their farts lit by a man in an absbesdos DJ
LADIES KNIGHT
Modern day jousting for the prize Princess Eugene. Any survivors are hung drawn and qurtered live.
THE HITMAN AND HEARSE
A hitman kills his victim and then organises the funeral
Gentle Ben
A bear is let loose in a primary school free to savage little children. Oh the irony.
BLESS THIS HOUSE
A young family move into a house built on top of an ancient indian burial ground. Before too long they encounter horric visions, smells and noises. To combat this they employ a local priest to perform an exorcism that only angers the spirits more, hurling the priest and family into an eternity of pain and horror. With hilarious consequences.
SCOOBY DOO-DOO
A light-hearted look at the changing nature of dog mess through the ages. Narrated by Brian Blessed
HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN
Hidden cameras follow the journey of the immortal soul of Sir Harry Secombe as he travels towards his final destination
HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN
Hidden cameras at accident black spots
HOWARD'S WEIGH
People guess the weight of Tory leader Michael Howard.
POOPING THE COLOUR
A group of scatophile artists ingest 2 gallons each of 5 different coloured paints. The contestant to produce the best picture by pooing out the paint wins
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
A slapstick approach given to the history of cannibalism in the south china seas
Cheers Kids
Love and hugs
Dan
Gout and its wearying effect on one mans busy day.
Song Lyric of the Day:-
I wish I never
Woke up this morning
Life was easy
When it was boring
Gibber of the Day:-
Here are some great gameshow ideas - (in conjunction with Gaj, Andy and Rob. Its been a slow day at work for us all!)
I'm Cream Crackered!
think of tv programme ideas with amusing titles till you die!
WOULD YOU ADAM AND EVE IT
Naked contestants in the garden of eden playing soft ball with a snake and an apple
BELIEVE IT OR GOTH.
Ten Goths [those rude uncivilised, violent chappies, who were members of the ancient Teutonic race that dwelt between the Elbe and the Vistula in the early part of the Christian era, and overran, and took an important part in subverting, the Roman empire] line up against ten Goths [those stereotypical soft, white middle class ponces who (in the belief that they are individual) all wear black clothes, heavy make up and silver jewellery, dye their hair black, are permanently depressed and believe they are defined by Nihilism]. Uri Geller hosts asking us all to 'believe' that one group or the other will win through the power of collective thought.
DEWITCHED
Make loads of modern day white witches try and do magic on TV and then laugh at them
THEY THOUGHT IT WAS ALL OVER
Another series of last of the Summer Wine - from beyond the grave
ANTIQUES WOADSHOW
Members of the public bring their heirlooms to be assessed by our experts who are painted blue
BOTH FEET IN THE GRAVE
Televised funerals
MUTTON BOON
The late Michael Elphick cooks up sheep-based dishes on his motorbike,
POBOL Y CWM
A soap opera lasting 30 years that no-one understands cos its no in English
EASTENDERS
A soap opera lasting 30 years that no-one understands cos its no in English
CrossRhodes
take celebrity chef Gary Rhodes to a shite motel in the midlands and make him very, very angry.
PRESCOTT AND THE WHEELIES
John prescott driving round the country in one of his Jags punching people with mullets
MR BEN
Take tony Ben round the tailors of england and make him debate politics while changing in the cubicle. To be hosted by a dodgy looking bloke in a fez.
MR BENT
Same concept as Mr Ben but replacing Tony Ben with Graham Norton
The Blair Witch Project.
A broom handle is shoved up Cherie's arse to see if she is, in fact, a witch.
DY-NASTY
gory recreation of the high speed smash in a parisian tunnel that led to the tragic loss of the 'queen of our hearts' TM
TAKE HEART
That scary gadgey off Temple of Doom acosts members of the public in the street and removes their hearts
MOON - LIGHTING
A group of contestants eat 3 tins of baked beans, bend over and have their farts lit by a man in an absbesdos DJ
LADIES KNIGHT
Modern day jousting for the prize Princess Eugene. Any survivors are hung drawn and qurtered live.
THE HITMAN AND HEARSE
A hitman kills his victim and then organises the funeral
Gentle Ben
A bear is let loose in a primary school free to savage little children. Oh the irony.
BLESS THIS HOUSE
A young family move into a house built on top of an ancient indian burial ground. Before too long they encounter horric visions, smells and noises. To combat this they employ a local priest to perform an exorcism that only angers the spirits more, hurling the priest and family into an eternity of pain and horror. With hilarious consequences.
SCOOBY DOO-DOO
A light-hearted look at the changing nature of dog mess through the ages. Narrated by Brian Blessed
HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN
Hidden cameras follow the journey of the immortal soul of Sir Harry Secombe as he travels towards his final destination
HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN
Hidden cameras at accident black spots
HOWARD'S WEIGH
People guess the weight of Tory leader Michael Howard.
POOPING THE COLOUR
A group of scatophile artists ingest 2 gallons each of 5 different coloured paints. The contestant to produce the best picture by pooing out the paint wins
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
A slapstick approach given to the history of cannibalism in the south china seas
Cheers Kids
Love and hugs
Dan
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
I thought this was very funny, in fact I nearly soiled myself:-
http://www.playgroundlaw.com/cgi-bin/browse.pl
http://www.playgroundlaw.com/cgi-bin/browse.pl
Friday, October 01, 2004
Rant of the Day:-
Witherspoons Curry Night. It probably should be banned. Its frankly just too easy.
Song Lyric of the Day:-
I have shaken, never bitten
Every hand that ever hit me.
(Del Amitri)
Rant of the Day:-
I think I shall rant quite quietly today, I hurt.
But -
I'll soon be off on a - Shoogie holiday,
No more working for a week or two
Fun and laughter on our - Shoogie holiday
A few more worries for me and you
And a beer or two.
Just over a week until the New Zealand adventure, got to play rugby tomorrow and will be fervently praying that I don't break a leg - most specifically my own.
Got to go now and buy some insurance or Jonathan will be all superior and morally outraged at me! Sorry mate thankyou for guiding me through the minefield of legal speak. I sent him an e-mail the other day which simply read 'What does any of this MEAN?', fortunately he wasnt too mean and explained it to me.
Cheers, sorry for being even more dull than usual
Dan
Witherspoons Curry Night. It probably should be banned. Its frankly just too easy.
Song Lyric of the Day:-
I have shaken, never bitten
Every hand that ever hit me.
(Del Amitri)
Rant of the Day:-
I think I shall rant quite quietly today, I hurt.
But -
I'll soon be off on a - Shoogie holiday,
No more working for a week or two
Fun and laughter on our - Shoogie holiday
A few more worries for me and you
And a beer or two.
Just over a week until the New Zealand adventure, got to play rugby tomorrow and will be fervently praying that I don't break a leg - most specifically my own.
Got to go now and buy some insurance or Jonathan will be all superior and morally outraged at me! Sorry mate thankyou for guiding me through the minefield of legal speak. I sent him an e-mail the other day which simply read 'What does any of this MEAN?', fortunately he wasnt too mean and explained it to me.
Cheers, sorry for being even more dull than usual
Dan
